Hey there, Turkey Carol fans! I know you've probably been cranky since I was too lazy to write new carols last year, but to make up for it... um, to make up for it, I'll just uh, distract you with this distraction... GWARANAMATON! There, now we're all made up. I hope you enjoy this year's Turkey Carols, because if you don't, I may have harsh words for you.

Or not. But at least now I'm restricting Turkey Carols to bryanbird.com instead of clogging your e-mail inbox with useless text. So with no further adobe, I present Turkey Carols 2002: The Fellowship Of The Wishbone!

We start off with an old Irish jig ("old" being 1950), so grab yer shillelagh and kick up yer heels and drink a cup of Thanksgiving cheer! Just keep your grubby little hands away from me Number One Dime. (Oh wait, Scrooge McDuck was Scottish. Scotch, Irish, whatever; it's all the same. [Just kidding! Please don't send me hate mail!])

"Thanksgiving in Elyria" (Christmas in Killarney)

The stuffing brown, the gravy brown,
The fanciest feast in all of town
Thanksgiving in Elyr'ya,
And I'm still living at home

But hold on, wait, I must relate,
Not all of Elyria's quite so great.
Here's my view of Elyr'ya,
The city that I call home.

Wal*Mart is always open,
So bring your kids along
And with my luck, they'll run amok;
A zoo's where they belong.

How grand it is, you beat your kids,
Your husband is outside and takin' a whiz.
Why can't he use the bathroom?
Is he missing a chromosome?
That's how it is in Elyr'ya,
The city that I call home!

Who said Latin was a dead language? It comes in handy all the time! For example, in the singing of this famous tune...

"O Come, All Ye Turkeys" (O Come, All Ye Faithful)

O come, all ye turkeys
Living and uneaten,
O come ye, o come ye to this roasting pan.
Come and be basted,
Stew in your own juices.

O come, let us eat turkey
O come, let us eat turkey
O come, let us eat turkey,
Then fall asleep.

Adeste gallopavones
Intacti et viventes
Venite venite in patinam
Estote assati
Inter suis iuribus

Venite comedamus
Venite comedamus
Venite comedamus tunc
Dormiamus

(Special thanks to my mom and Jamie Groover for the Latin translation! Also, there seems to be some confusion as to why this is in Latin. For those who don't know, "O Come, All Ye Faithful", or "Adeste Fideles" was originally in Latin, and is sometimes still sung that way, probably for the same reason "O Christmas Tree"/"O Tannenbaum" is sung in German: because English is boring. [You remember English class, right? I rest my case.] Apparently that wasn't as well-known as I had thought.)

Some infomercials would charge as much as $99.95, but if you order now, you can get all these Turkey Carols on two LPs or cassettes for just $19.95 or three easy payments of $6.65! Now we're going to quiet things down a bit with this classic carol...

"Lo, How A Pie E'er Baking" (Lo, How A Rose E'er Blooming)

Lo, how a pie e'er baking
From pumpkin inside come.
Of Betty Crocker's making,
A dessert to become.

Its filling glowing bright,
Amid the cold of autumn,
I lost my appetite.

(I'm not a fan of pumpkin pie.)

Lo, how that song is over! But don't worry, friends; it gets worse. We've got all your favorites, including...

"Butterball (Not Honeysuckle)" (Istanbul [Not Constantinople], performed by They Might Be Giants)

Butterball, not Honeysuckle
Yes it's Butterball, not Honeysuckle
Why don't we all eat Honeysuckle?
It's a turkey delight on a Thursday night

Ev'ry gal eats Honeysuckle
But it's Butterball, not Honeysuckle
So if you're eating Honeysuckle
It's really a Butterball

A few years ago, we ate a diff'rent brand
Why'd we change it? I can't say
Momma just liked it better that way

So roast me up a nice Honeysuckle
No you can't go back to Honeysuckle
Why don't we all eat Honeysuckle?
Why don't we just eat beef jerky?
That's nobody's business but the turkey's.

Oh-woh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh
Butterball (Butterball)
A-woh, ohhh, ohhh, ohhh
Butterball (Butterball)

A few years ago, we ate a diff'rent brand
Why'd we change it? I can't say
Momma just liked it better that way!

So roast me up a nice Honeysuckle
No you can't go back to Honeysuckle
Why don't we all eat Honeysuckle?
Why don't we just eat beef jerky?
That's nobody's business but the turkey's.

But-ter-ball!

(For those who haven't figured it out, Butterball and Honeysuckle are two popular brands of turkeys. Go to your local grocery store; you'll see them. Well, maybe not in Shelby or Ridgeville.)

Thankfully (Get it? Thankfully, and it's Thanksgiving! HAHAHAHA) that's it for Turkey Carols 2002. But be on the edge(s) of your seat(s) for yet more holiday specials, coming to a public access cable channel near you:

• Eight Crazy Turkeys
• James Tom: Pie Another Day
• The Emperor's Turkey-Bacon-Swiss Club
• Harry Turkey And The Chamber Of Sauce
• A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving V: Linus Preaches The Gospel Of "The Great Turkey", And Everyone Pelts Him With Pretzels and Jelly Beans
• A Family Circus Thanksgiving: Bil Keane Announces His Retirement, And Everyone Is Thankful
• A Ziggy Thanksgiving: Basically Like The Family Circus Thanksgiving, Except With Tom Wilson Instead Of Bil Keane