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Hello all, and Happy Thanksgiving. In order to prove that I just don't know when I've taken a bad joke too far, I present you with Turkey Carols 2000: The Phantom Sauce (these carols actually should be sung 30 years prior to Turkey Carols '98). But first, a brief history of Turkey Carols...

"Turkey Carols" has a rich, delicious, syrupy history, beginning when Chief Stephenbond of the Grovecitycollege Indian tribe started a tradition of annual gatherings around the gas fireplace to sing Arbor Day Carols. All was well until the evil White-man Lorde Bryanbyrde from the province of Wyndstown (present-day Bowling Green) stole the idea and adapted it to Thanksgiving, effectively creating a parody of a parody. The Arbor Day Carols ran in terror as their November counterparts took more and more land, until one day the Turkey Carols forced the Arbors onto a reservation of land in Oklahoma, present-day home of the Arbor Day Carol Casino.

And that's why Turkey Carols is always dedicated to bringing you the stupidest, most inane song parodies you'll ever find... like leftover turkey that tastes better with age, or the slow, roasting aroma of pumpkin innards slopped in a pan and covered with dough. So here at Turkey Carols, we don't just need help, we need serious mental help. And now you know, as Paul Harvey would say, the rest of the story.

We start you off with an old '50s favorite,

"Cranberry Sauce" (Jingle-Bell Rock)

Cranberry, cranberry, cranberry sauce
Cranberries washed and cranberries squashed
Jigglin', and wigglin', then solidify
Oh what fun, no one can deny

Cranberry, cranberry, cranberry sauce
Open a can and put in a pan
Swishin', and squishin', and ready-to-eat,
A food that can't be beat!

What a bright time, it's the right time
To do the Turkey Trot
Berry sauce time is a swell time
To go build a killer BattleBot™®

Eat it up, cranberries, jelly and all
And don't forget to floss
Jig and jiggle and then you will LOL! ;-)
Eat the cranberry,
Eat the cranberry,
Eat the cranberry sauce!

And who can forget...

"Let It Roast!" (Let It Snow!)

Oh! The turkey is inside glowing
But the oven keeps on going
And till that skin turns to toast,
Let it roast! Let it roast! Let it roast!

It doesn't show signs of stopping
And the turkey juice is popping;
It soon will become a ghost.
Let it roast! Let it roast! Let it roast!

When we finally take it out,
How I'll hate eating charred turkey meat.
But if you're a carnivore devout
PETA will make you eat wheat!

The fire is slowly dying
But the turkey still is frying
So until we've reason to boast,
Let it roast! Let it roast! Let it roast!

And for those They Might Be Giants fans out there, there's always...

"Cider" (Spider)

Ladies and gentlemen (ladies and gentlemen)

Cidah! (Our fav'rite bev'rage)
Cidah! (Drink lots of)
Cidah! (We love you cider!)
[grunting noise]

I promise to add cinnamon sticks
Cidah

Cidah! (We love you cider!)
Cidah! (Drink lots of)
Cidah! (Must drink)
Cidah! (Our fav'rite bev'rage)
[grunting noise]

Plus this rare live bootleg version I downloaded with Napster!

"Cider" (Spider) live at the Bowery Ballroom, New York City

Ladies and gentlemen (ladies and gentlemen)

Cidah! [AAAHHH!!! BLEEEEHHHH!!!!! BLEHHHHHH!!!!!! WHOOOOOO!!!!! AHHHHH!!!!!]
[grunting noise]
Johns: "Thank you New York City!"
[AAAHHHH!!!!!! BLEEHHHHH!!!!! BLEHHHH!!!! WOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!]
Johns: "Now for our next song..."

And just what kind of Thanksgiving would it be without a rendition of this classic carol?...

"Joy To The Sauce" (Joy To The World)

Joy to the sauce! the turkey's done:
Let gravy now outpour.
Let ev'ry state in the Union
Vote for a President Gore,
Vote for a President Gore,
And vote, and vote for Albert Gore.

Who threw away their vote for Browne?
The Libertar'yans say:
"Harry you da man, but didn't win this round."
Who is this guy anyway?
Who is this guy anyway?
Who is, who is this guy anyway?

Nader, with all his talk of Earth,
Those birds, he wants to save:
At this time of the year, he knows a turkey's worth,
So he will rant and rave,
And he will rant and rave,
And Ralphie, O Ralphie will rant and rave.

He rules the state of Flor'da now,
Unless they count again!
If they don't decide soon I'm going to have a cow
And Bush had better win,
And Bush had better win,
And Bush, and Bush had better win!

Well gang, I guess that's it for this year's Turkey Carols. I hope now you're a little warmer, a little smilier, and a helluvalot more giddier. And be on the edge(s) of your seat(s) for these upcoming holiday specials:

• The Blair Turkey Project
• It's A Wonderful Slice (of turkey)
• How The Grinch Stole Haikuesday (live action version starring Jim Carrey)
• A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving IV: Peppermint Patty Refused To Cook Her Own Thanksgiving Dinner Because She Thought Cooking Was "Too Feminine"