Well, I'm sure you all appreciated not having to read my lame haikus this year, so to make up for it, I'm sending you a fresh, hot, steamy, juicy batch of Turkey Carols for 1999! That's right, back by unpopular demand, Birdco is following up Turkey Carols '98 with Turkey Carols '99 (clever, eh?). If you really want a copy of TC98, I can e-mail them to you (includes "I Saw A Ship", "The Turkey And The Stuffing", "Minimum Wage Arranged for Thanksgiving", and "We Wish You A Tasty Turkey"). Or, you can just wait till next year when we'll release Turkey Carols: The Phantom Sauce, which contains carols written 30 years before TC98. But until then, you can gather the whole gang 'round the ol' burnt pumpkin pie and be one with the spirit of Thanksgiving by singing inane parodies of classic Christmas carols! Enjoy!

"Randolph The Red-Beaked Turkey" (Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer)

Randolph the red-beaked turkey
Had a very bright-red beak (duh!)
And if you ever saw it
You would say that he's a freak.

All of the other turkeys
Used to laugh and beat him up
After a little while
Randolph was pretty fed-up.

Then on one Thanksgiving Eve
Farmer John came to say,
"Randolph, with your beak so red,
Maybe it's 'cuz you're inbred."

But then the turkeys liked him
When he said "It's a tattoo."
They thought it was so cool that
They all wanted red beaks too!

(That's right, all your favorites, on two LP's or cassettes, including...)

"It's Beginning To Look Like Turkey" (It's Beginning To Look Like Christmas)

It's beginning to look a lot like turkey
Ev'rywhere you run
Take a look at the poultry farm,
Full of its turkey charm,
With gravy boats for when the roast is done.

It's beginning to look a lot like turkey
Birds had best be hid
'Cuz the customs today request
That we eat a turkey breast
Just like Pilgrims did.

A pair of seasonal candles and and platters with handles
Are brought out just once a year;
Seems like a waste only to use these plates
When important comp'ny is here;
And why doesn't baked pumpkin guts fill anyone with fear?

It's beginning to look a lot like turkey
Ev'rywhere you run
There are birds in the grocery store,
Tops never stops giving you more,
Oh tell me, are we not yet having fun?

It's beginning to look a lot like turkey
Soon football will start
Then we'll fall asleep in the chair
Then wake up without a care
And go play with Jarts.

(Just $19.95 if you order now! This is not available in stores [thankfully]! It's got all the classics! Why, who can forget...)

"Deck The Halls" (Deck The Halls, duh)

Deck the halls with lots of pumpkins
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Pumpkin almost rhymes with somethin'
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Don, we know you love your turkey
Fa la la, la la la, la la la.
Trolls, though ancient, ate beef jerky
Fa la la la la, la la la la!

(Woah, that sucked... er, I mean, only $19.95! Have your Visa or Diner's Club card ready when you call! Including Birdco's never-before-released Magnum Opus [literally, "magnum opus"], George Gershwin's "Rhapsody In Blue", arranged for Thanksgiving!...)

"Rhapsody In Blue (Arranged for Thanksgiving)" (Rhapsody In Blue)

(Ha! You were probably wondering how we were gonna pull that one off, eh? Yes, Rhapsody In Blue is instrumental and thus has no words, but I'm sure we can all agree that, with the amended title "Rhapsody In Blue [Arranged for Thanksgiving]", you immediately think of turkeys during the opening clarinet solo [for those of you from Elyria, this may have a double-meaning...].)

Wow, writing these Turkey Carols always makes me so verklempt... I've got schpilkis in the gonnectigezoink... Talk amongst yourselves... I'll give you a topic... The Mayflower was neither a may nor a flower... Discuss...

Okay, I'm better now. But seriously, if you want to send me $19.95 or your credit card number, I'll gladly send you another copy of this e-mail, but you have to hurry, because this offer is not available in stores. And be sure to be on the edge(s) of your seat(s) for more Thanksgiving Day specials, like:

• Tom Turkey: The Hen Who Feathered Me
• Miracle On 42nd Street
• South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Covered In Gravy
• A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving III: Peppermint Patty Can Make Her Own Darn Dinner