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	"That's so random! Rock on!!" —Denise Schmid This section of bryanbird.com is intended to be a break from the somewhat quasi-semi-professionalism of the rest of the site. Basically, this is a catch-all of randomness, for all of the things that may interest people but don't warrant their own section of the site. This means, if you're a prospective employer checking me out, this page isn't really for you; but feel free to stick around and browse if you wish.

writings

AlphaULs: A Bedtime Story For Optimistic Children: 5/22/00 - 5/23/00; Pronounced "alpha yules" but having nothing to do with Christmas, AlphaULs is sort of a takeoff of a book by Edward Gorey, as well as various other alphabet books. In AlphaULs, 26 children die in various urban-legend-related ways. In case you aren't as familiar with urban legends as I am (or you thought they were all true), I have included links to the corresponding writeups on snopes.com that explain or debunk them.

The Beetles Are Making A Comeback (No, Not The Beatles™): 10/8/03; This is an actual, true, real-life account of my adventure with ladybugs and a vanilla candle.

bryan bird's blog: May 2004 - Present; I don't always have something particularly interesting to talk about on my blog, but it does include an archive of my journey through treatments for Hodgkin's Lymphoma (see November 2004 on forward).

parodies
People sometimes ask how long it took me to write [insert name of parody here]. Usually I write the date on my work, so that makes it easy for me to remember when I wrote it, but not how long. For example, 101 Dalmatians was written in two days, but it's not like I was sitting at a computer writing it for 48 hours straight. And while I had a very minimal social life at the time, again, I generally write these things fairly quickly, so it's not as though I set aside hours upon hours of my day to write this crap.

101 Dalmatians ("Walk Like An Egyptian"): 5/14/99 - 5/15/99; There isn't really much to say about this one. I knew I wanted to write a parody of "Walk Like An Egyptian," but it was hard coming up with something that rhymed with "Egyptian." It ended up being a song about the Disney live action remake of 101 Dalmatians.

Dr. Haikuess' How The Grinch Stole Haikuesday!: 12/22/98 - 12/24/98; This is a reworking of the famous Dr. Seuss Christmas story, written entirely in haiku. It's not particularly hilarious, and I wasn't smart enough to shorten the script any, so it gets dull after the "hahaha, it's a haiku!" novelty wears off. And, as if this weren't evidence enough of my not having a life, I couldn't find a book at the library or a script online with the original story, so I had to rent the video, hit pause, type the text into my computer, press play, hit pause, type the text, etc. That's part of why it took two days to write. And the video was so old, it didn't have closed-captioning, so for words like "whocardioshnooks," I had to guess the spelling. Of course, once the Jim Carrey remake came out two years later, the books and script were everywhere, which would've made my job a lot easier.

The Shaft Will Go On: love theme from Shaftanic ("My Heart Will Go On"): May 1998; "Sometimes you get the elevator, and sometimes you get the shaft." —Steve Bond; shaft noun 4 a: a projectile thrown like a spear or shot like an arrow b: a scornful, satirical, or pithily critical remark or attack c: harsh or unfair treatment -- usually used with the; Getting "the shaft" seemed to be a popular phrase in high school, and I wrote this little parody/skit to perform for my high school choir at the end of my senior year. All of the seniors had to sing in front of the rest of the choir, so I decided to use Shaftanic. "The Celine Dion Show" was a skit on Saturday Night Live that year, so I incorporated that into my song, which is a parody of "My Heart Will Go On" from Titanic. Looking back on it, I suppose some bits of bitterness and teen angst show through, but 'twas all in good fun. I just wish someone had been video recording it.

Turkey Carols '98: 11/25/1998; These are the original Turkey Carols that began a somewhat-annual tradition (I say somewhat-annual because I was busy and uninspired in 2001). My friend Steve once wrote Arbor Day Carols, and being the unoriginal person that I am, I stole the idea and applied it to Thanksgiving. Parodies of popular Christmas songs include: "I Saw A Ship" (I Saw Three Ships), "The Turkey And The Stuffing" (The Holly And The Ivy), "Minimum Wage, Arranged for Thanksgiving" (Minimum Wage, by They Might Be Giants), and "We Wish You A Tasty Turkey" (We Wish You A Merry Christmas).

Turkey Carols '99: The Cornucopia Strikes Back: 11/24/1999; Parodies of popular Christmas songs include: "Randolph The Red-Beaked Turkey" (Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer), "It's Beginning To Look Like Turkey" (It's Beginning To Look Like Christmas), "Deck The Halls" (Deck The Halls), and "Rhapsody In Blue, Arranged for Thanksgiving" (Rhapsody In Blue, by George Gershwin).

Turkey Carols 2000: The Phantom Sauce: 11/22/2000; Parodies of popular Christmas songs include: "Cranbery Sauce" (Jingle-Bell Rock), "Let It Roast!" (Let It Snow!), "Cider" (Spider, by They Might Be Giants), and "Joy To The Sauce" (Joy To The World)

Turkey Carols 2002: The Fellowship Of The Wishbone: 11/21/2002; Back by unpopular demand! Turkey Carols 2002 includes: "Thanksgiving In Elyria" (Christmas In Killarney), "O Come, All Ye Turkeys" (O Come, All Ye Faithful), "Lo, How A Pie E'er Baking" (Lo, How A Rose E'er Blooming), and "Butterball (Not Honeysuckle)" (Istanbul [Not Constantinople]).

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